One man's life in Alabama.

_To begin with I want everyone to know that I know how to spell words with long I's but I am not sure how to make you read them as they are said in Alabama so bear with me in these stories....

Gotta love Ala-fuckin-bama.

Direct TV dude came to the house to install the dish. "Okay, well looka here. In the Spring time and in the Summer you mite have trouble with that one limb way up yonder. You see that littlun up there at the top. Well I know you came down here from NC and I cain't (promounced ain't with a c) tell you what to do but I know a few people round here that would get a cooler of beer, call their friends and have a shootin contest. Just get a cheap ole .22 and see who can knock that limb out that there tree."

I shit you not this was an honest to God conversation. The bad thing about it is I honestly thought about it. I even asked my new neighbor about it and he thought I had lost my mind.

Now here are three leaf burning stories that have happened to me in this state.

1997....Tuscumbia....Colbert Heights Mountain.
Doc: "Man you have to burn the leaves when you put them in the ditch. They don't come by and suck them out with a machine you dummy." 
Me: Burn em?
Doc: "Yeah man here let me show you."
Doc then proceeded to walk down the line of leaves and set them on fire. I had a wall of flames 5 feet high, and 120 feet long.
Me: Doc you're gonna get us arrested man.
Doc: "No man, its okay. You just have to be careful."
A fire truck comes cruising through neighborhood.
"Oh hey Doc, should have known it was you. You guys just keep a close watch on things."

Two Weeks later:
Doc "Hey man watcha doin?"
Me. A snake went in the woods here between the houses.
Doc leaned over and lit the leaves on his side of the woods on fire.
Doc "Just stand over there. If he is still in there he is probably going to come out on your side."

2011 ..... Rogersville, AL ..... Elk River Area
Me: Hey man have you seen all these leaves in my yard?
Neighbor: "Yeah been a few years since anyone raked em."
Me: What do I do with them?
Neighbor: "Get you a good leaf blower, blow em to the road and just burn em man."
Me: Burn them?
Neighbor: "Yeah man that's how they do it around here."
So the leaves were blown for about a week. Some days God's leaf blower was a little stronger than mine but finally the day came when I had more leaves in the ditch than I did in the yard. I started walking down the pile trying to light the pile.
Neighbor: "You must be a city boy? Hee, hee, hee. I can tell cause a country boy don't lite leaves with a match or liter. Here try this torch!"
For the second time in my life I had a wall of flames 5 feet high 240 feet long this time within 5 mins. I know I fvcked up the odds on the bets my neighbors had going as to whose house would burn to the ground first, when I ran and got a second garden hose. However, the day was still early, and everyone's home was still in the race.
I burned leaves from 10:00 AM to 4:30 PM and they are still smoldering as I type this. I cringed every time a new vehicle drove down this dead end street, as I knew I had attracted the local closet arsonists. I had given them the perfect opportunity to wipe out half the State and they would never have been blamed.

City boy my ass. I am a pro at burning leaves after living next door to Doc for 3 years.